going back

When a big milestone is in view, I tend to go back and review what lead up to it. I roll the tape back and think on all the little moments that led up to the big moment. On the approach to Cordelia's first birthday I'm remembering this past year, my pregnancy, Cordelia's birth, and every precious minute since.

I read a birth story recently wherein a mother reflected that she wanted to go back to before her child was born. She longed to go back to the great expectation that filled her, the joy that was ahead. This desire was so strong in her.

I can see how a person might want to go back and experience that joyful expectation again. The fact that this is not possible is a good thing, at least in my eyes it is. Knowing that we can not go back makes experiencing life that much more poignant. Each exquisite moment of joy and pain is fleeting, here and then gone.

Right now I can hear my baby girl breathing on the monitor, see the sun beginning to shine more brightly than it has in days, hear someone cutting up a tree with a chainsaw far away, faintly smell the cinnamon from yesterday's muffin baking... this is just one moment in the string of my many days that I have to live.

Doug and I are in the midst of thinking about trying to have another baby. There are so many pulls and pushes on our hearts about this. Chiefly, in the middle of it all is this little girl we have growing up before our eyes. Sometimes I want to go back with her and feel those early days of pregnancy when she was our secret. Feel her move inside me and be filled with all the great expectation of waiting for her. See her for the first time. Watch her be embraced by our family and friends and see life begin to fill her and take her to unknown places. As the time went by, I savored as much as my heart could hold because I knew I wouldn't be passing that exact path again. If we do decide to open our hearts to the possibility of another child in our family, the experiences will be entirely new. There is no reliving or replaying, especially while simultaneously editing out the tough parts. Here we are, plodding away on our journey, admiring the scenery we can see as it goes whizzing by. I don't know what path we will turn onto next. I just know that there is no going back.

P.S. Some days no posts, other days, TWO! I was going to save this one and post it tomorrow... but why? This is what I was given for today, we'll see about tomorrow.