All afternoon, along with pumpkin cake preparations (with cream cheese frosting and chocolate chips - YUMMM), I also did laundry, paid my bills, talked with family and friends (I love that I have rediscovered my hands-free gizmo for my phone), and copious amounts of wedding planning/daydreaming/thinking about the future. The cake came out fantastic, the birthday boy and guests gave it serious raves, and I was pleased as punch. I was so satisfied with myself having taken care of all my housewifey duties. In fact, as my head hit the pillow I felt accomplished.
This is not a feeling I have a lot lately. Though the fit of my new job is growing on me, generally fitting better, there are many days when I still come home feeling defeated or overwhelmed (especially when I have to write 10 page theological papers - like this week, yikes). Wedding planning is frustrating at times - for example, we STILL haven't found a reception venue(!!!!). The downturn of the economy and general insanity of the housing market has made D and I feel very small and vulnerable in the process of planning our future housing. Last but certainly not least, in order to save money, I am moving into D's condo at the end of November. It will be great to finally live in one place, but it means that I will have 90% of my belongings in storage and have to say goodbye to my lovely house. (this last one is making me sadder that all the above combined right now. sniff, SNIFF.) So, well, feeling accomplishment was a BIG DEAL to me on Saturday.
This feeling got me to thinking... I am as much of a feminist as a romantic, idealistic, athletic, vegetarian, clergyperson, graduate of a women's college, firstborn daughter of midwestern(ish) parents can be. And that's pretty feminist, without going over the top - as in, there's no way I'm a separatist, I'll be taking my husbands name, and I'm more of an idealist than anything.
On Saturday, I think there began in my spirit a curious transformation. I still bristle at the idea that I would be the ONLY one doing the housekeeping but I am falling in love with the idea of staying home to raise the kiddos. (prayer break: PLEASE God let us be blessed with kiddos. Amen.) I never thought that would be me. I thought I'd have a little time at home and then be back to work gradually. I thought I'd need the work outside my home, mommy, wife, life in order to stay balanced in my self, my sense of call, and my sense of myself. But right now, I am all about home. It is pure delight to imagine creative projects, long walks, the day to day of watching children grow, and putting care into the marriage that I hope to have, taking care of the one I am about to promise to create my life with. Somehow, at least since Saturday, it is the housewifey duties that I am longing for.