Last night was a very windy night. We shuddered each time we heard a pick up in the wind or a groan. We tried to distract ourselves with a movie. I confess to praying a bargaining, fearful prayer to God while I nursed the baby to sleep. All night long, I worried over our decision to leave the baby in her room instead of bringing her to the safer side of the house where we sleep. I listened to the wind off and on throughout the night.
There was the greatest sense of relief when I woke up and realized that the wind had died down.
At some point in my life I heard the idea that when named, fear loses it's power. No matter how many times I named this one, the fear stayed strong. I must admit that I have been a worrier throughout my life. Not a terrible one, but one none the less. In the past, I always seemed to know when there was nothing to be done and found some calm in the midst of it all.
The accumulation of relationship (and people) in my life has actually had the effect of increasing my worry over silly things. I originally blamed this on postpartum hormonal adjustment. It was quite a ride. But now that I am through that phase, I wonder what it is that causes me to worry so. I suppose that when one has nothing to lose, one has nothing to worry about. Is it really true that the more love increases, the more there is to lose? I do not want this to be true for me. I want love to free me for more loving and risking and hoping. I'm still working on it, still loving and worrying.