today

Over the last week (since we returned from our visit to Butnerville) Cordelia has been sick. She's had a cold and her top two teeth coming in. Seems like quite a doozy of a combination because she just looks miserable. Snot, froggy voice, obvious discomfort in her ears, tiredness, and lots of crying. Our days have been full of little struggles. She's not even pooping well!

This morning it seemed that she was doing a little better. Her eyes were brighter and her snot was less. I took it as a sign that we should hit the road, get out! We have been staying close to home, just taking short walks and an occasional trip to the grocery or ferry terminal. Pretty boring stuff. I was feeling COOPED UP. When a dear friend encouraged my attendance at the local clergy lunch and sweetened the deal with the idea of shopping together, I packed the car and jumped in the ferry line. We went out! It was an unseasonably warm day, just beautiful. A perfect day for a jailbreak.

For the most part, Cordelia was a champ. She charmed my fellow clergy at the lunch and was a good sport about riding in the car. We had a pretty peaceful ferry ride over with me carrying her around, walking laps on the boat deck. But by the end of it all, things started to fall apart. I breathed a sigh of relief when she slept a little on the way to the ferry terminal on the way home. But the rest and the subsequent nursing were not enough and she started to scream as soon as I buckled her back in her carseat for the 40 minute ride home. She cried her heart out for that whole time. That kind of crying just kills me. And now I feel terrible about it all.

I guess I shouldn't have gone. But where do the needs of the mommy meet the needs of the baby? All of my effort is for her. It is all for her. But there are moments when I realize that I can't go much farther in the same direction. Something needs to shift now and then. These beautiful autumn days were breaking my heart, looking at them through the windows. I'm not sure my wanderlust or thirst for the wide world is satisfied, but I know that I'm not going anywhere until my little girl is better. Perhaps I can claim it was a rookie mistake?

She is sleeping now, down for the count, and I am hopeful she'll sleep all night. We'll have a quiet day tomorrow, catching up on rest and home. So much for the big, big world.