Wednesday, November 3, 2010

morning thoughts

My first thought today was: I hope Cordelia feels better today because geez, she seems miserable. Unfortunately when she woke up I found her to still be snotty and cranky. This morning has been a tough one again and she is currently snuffing away in her crib for a nap. She cried through the 1.5 hours she was awake before I gave up and just let her go to sleep. I fear today is going to be another long day of snot, tears and constant holding. Ugh.

Well, now that I've put THAT out there... onto nobler, higher, more um, better thoughts.

In the last few weeks, I've really been longing for some adult conversation. I'm out of practice. And also, strangely, I like the sort of contemplative spirit of my days with a nonverbal person. I'm on the fence between needing to think/talk/read/write and needing silence. Up until I finished my fellowship as a chaplain (Fall 2009), I wrote and spoke and listened all day long. Two years before that, as a pastor of a small church, I preached every Sunday and usually led some adult Christian formation session at least once a week. These practices required that I be immersed in language and thought. My mind was crowded with words and ideas. That was the other extreme. Now, I "talk" with Cordelia, listen to music and sing along, sing without music, and am silent. I read blogs and facebook and short snippets of things throughout the day. I talk with Doug a little in the evening while he watches TV and I knit. I talk on the phone with loved ones now and then. That's it. I don't really read much poetry these days and can't remember the last time I picked up a novel. This is just a read-free time of life. That's just the way it is right now, and it's okay.

With this practice of writing for the month of November, I was hoping to start a new kind of conversation. So many words just float around in my mind, escaping capture throughout the day. I'm fine with letting them go. On the other hand, there is still an unmet longing to be in conversation. So, I'm capturing a few of those words and putting them out here this month, seeing what will happen. I intend to have a conversation with you, so engage with me however is comfortable. Write a comment here or on facebook, send an email, call. I want a conversation, not a diary.

As a pastor, I remember the feeling of putting my words, thoughts and feelings out into the world each Sunday. I left the church feeling vulnerable and wondering what work (if any) my words would do in the world. Not knowing, trusting the people and being vulnerable were each part of the spiritual practice of pastoring for me. Even now, three years later, I'm processing my feelings about that experience. Blogging feels a little familiar to me - but with even less structure (and with an entirely different aim, probably).

Speaking of structure... I think I need some. Not too much, but just enough to get me through the month. SO... Sundays, I'll have a peek at the lectionary and write out some thoughts. Fridays, I'll share a photo with you of a moment I'm savoring. There will be a post about food during the week - maybe a success or failure in the kitchen, a new recipe I tried, or just thoughts about this challenging part of my housewifey life. There will be a "babybook" post each week that includes a few of Cordelia's milestones or moments I want to remember for her. And, of course, there will be plenty of sharing about mothering and probably too many baby stories. I hope that helps us!

I hope you enjoyed the ride this morning... silly stream of consciousness, I know. It is what I had to give this morning, so I hope you weren't bored/disappointed/will never read this page again. And now, on with the day!

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