Wednesday, November 10, 2010

good life guilt

Things are really good for me right now. My days are full but usually not stressful. I have regular breaks and me-time while Cordelia naps. The "work" I do as a mommy is fulfilling. There is nothing like taking care of a person 24/7 and watching them grow to make me feel useful/important/in the right place. We have gotten through some of the tougher parts of new-babyhood. I get to be the director of my days (with some consultation with the kiddo and within the schedule). There is much that is creative and life-giving about what I do. Cordelia is adorable right now - and I suspect I'll be saying that for, oh, forever. I'm in love.

All this is not to say that there aren't difficult moments or days or even weeks. After all, we just came through a bit of a sickly, crabby, rough patch. There are moments when I want to strap my squirmy, cranky, grabby, girl into a car seat or other restraining device and just be free, have myself to myself for a moment. Those moments come and go. Some days I am bone tired at the end of the day (or worse, at the beginning!). Or, I feel disorganized or lonely or craving for some intellectual stimulation. But all this "tough" stuff adds up to just the right amount of challenge. And, the love that I feel overcomes all of it.

This might just be the best time in my life.

For Doug, this isn't maybe the best time of life. Sure, he gets the sweetest look on his face when Cordelia is overjoyed to see him at the end of the day. He loves his little girl and that is obvious. But, he leaves home in the dark and has a cold, sometimes rainy walk to the bus and then boat and then bus again. He leaves his cozy home and goes to work every day. His work is stressful and not always a great fit. (sometimes it seems to be fantastic, so right now just isn't the best time)

I want ALL of us to be having the best time of our lives. I am trying not to allow anything to diminish the joy I feel. In the abundance perspective that I strive to hold, there is no limit to the joy available in this life. No limit. Just because I feel this joy, does not make anyone else's chance of joyfulness less. On the contrary, I believe that joy is contagious. My joyfulness actually spreads and gladdens others. None the less, it is difficult to see that as I go through day after day of, "WOW, that was another one to savor!", there are many loved ones in my life who are experiencing the opposite. They wish to forget, and hope for a new day.

My question for this day is this: how do I allow my joy to escape and become little germs of joyful contagion without flaunting it? How do I live this goodness fully while taking care of the ones around me who are in tender spaces?

1 comment:

Lyda said...

I'm not sure this is exactly related to your post, but I have been thinking a lot lately about the paradoxes of how what brings us joy can often cause us anguish. One of the things I have learned about myself is that I love to organize things. I love order and I love being the person who puts everything into place. But chaos and lack of structure stresses me out. I don't like it, so I have to make order. So the grand irony for me is that in order to do one of the things I love (and like to think I'm reasonably good at), it requires a state of chaos, which I don't enjoy at all! In other words, I have to seek out something I don't like in order to find joy... Does that make any sense??

In any case, I am immensely enjoying reading your ponderings, Jennifer - thank you for sharing!!