falling off and getting back on

Hello, long lost friends!

I fell off the blog-wagon and seem to have hit my head hard, got knocked out, and have been unable to get back up and onto the wagon. Cordelia's birthday came and went. Visitors and festivities came and went. Sicknesses came - and luckily - went. All this and I have reflected and written about it not one bit. Scratch that. Actually, I reflect on it constantly, I just don't write about it.

Something else is taking up all my time. Yarn, sticks. I'm obsessed with knitting. There, I said it. I am struggling to make time for my passions (writing and knitting) and my duties (everything else). Tough stuff.

This is a good challenge to have. I hope to be back here more soon. In the meantime, see you on Facebook, Ravelry (maybe?), my couch with needles in hand, or the local yarn store, park or ferryboat.

going back

When a big milestone is in view, I tend to go back and review what lead up to it. I roll the tape back and think on all the little moments that led up to the big moment. On the approach to Cordelia's first birthday I'm remembering this past year, my pregnancy, Cordelia's birth, and every precious minute since.

I read a birth story recently wherein a mother reflected that she wanted to go back to before her child was born. She longed to go back to the great expectation that filled her, the joy that was ahead. This desire was so strong in her.

I can see how a person might want to go back and experience that joyful expectation again. The fact that this is not possible is a good thing, at least in my eyes it is. Knowing that we can not go back makes experiencing life that much more poignant. Each exquisite moment of joy and pain is fleeting, here and then gone.

Right now I can hear my baby girl breathing on the monitor, see the sun beginning to shine more brightly than it has in days, hear someone cutting up a tree with a chainsaw far away, faintly smell the cinnamon from yesterday's muffin baking... this is just one moment in the string of my many days that I have to live.

Doug and I are in the midst of thinking about trying to have another baby. There are so many pulls and pushes on our hearts about this. Chiefly, in the middle of it all is this little girl we have growing up before our eyes. Sometimes I want to go back with her and feel those early days of pregnancy when she was our secret. Feel her move inside me and be filled with all the great expectation of waiting for her. See her for the first time. Watch her be embraced by our family and friends and see life begin to fill her and take her to unknown places. As the time went by, I savored as much as my heart could hold because I knew I wouldn't be passing that exact path again. If we do decide to open our hearts to the possibility of another child in our family, the experiences will be entirely new. There is no reliving or replaying, especially while simultaneously editing out the tough parts. Here we are, plodding away on our journey, admiring the scenery we can see as it goes whizzing by. I don't know what path we will turn onto next. I just know that there is no going back.

P.S. Some days no posts, other days, TWO! I was going to save this one and post it tomorrow... but why? This is what I was given for today, we'll see about tomorrow.

on the way to ONE

This Friday is, as you may know, a very big day around here. Cordelia turns one year old on Friday. It seems like she knows it, too. Every hour of each day she seems to get a little closer. Cordelia is having another one of those growth spurts of the developmental variety. She's becoming a toddler.

So what's new about her? Oh, simply everything. She's standing by herself, often letting go and just playing with whatever she has in her hand. Or dancing! It seems like each time she does this, it lasts a few seconds longer. Cordelia tries to stand up at any and every opportunity, somehow pulling up on things that really aren't that sturdy or stable. How incredible! In the mobility department, her absolute favorite activity is to chase the dog. With the help of a finger to hold in each hand, she takes off running in Oliver's direction, laughing her beautiful baby laugh the whole time. So far, Oliver thinks it's pretty fun too. Cordelia usually stops when she loses hold of a hand, but has figured out that she can cruise quite a distance along furniture or by holding onto a pant leg. There are occasional bumps and falls, but she is still quite cautious. Cordelia gets a look that tells me she is calculating her next move or maybe, the possibilities before her.

She has strong opinions about things these days. What she wants to eat, and when, and how. What she wants to play with and when/if she is done. Mommy or daddy. Inside or out. She now understands the sequences of activity that regularly appear in our days. For example, she knows that at the end of a meal, we go in the bathroom and wash up. Sometimes, she's excited as I carry her to the bathroom, other times she starts squirming or protesting. I try to shake things up a little bit every now and then, while still allowing her to feel a sense of normal routine. Mostly, it looks like Cordelia would like a little more control over things and, within reason, I try to give her some chances to do that.

Imitation is becoming a fun game. I imitate her and she imitates me. Cordelia is quite an observer - loves to watch things and people. We went to a restaurant recently and she couldn't eat a bite because she was too busy watching the people all around her.

I am surprised by what tickles her funny bone. She's a pretty quiet and serious person, but there are some things she finds hilarious. Kissing her feet during a diaper change. Particular moments in some of our books. Turning around and being surprised by the dog. Daddy. Playing peek-a-boo with objects in my hand, like blueberries, cheerios or a small block. When I put something on my head and ask for her help to get it off.

On the way to one year old, there are some baby things that I have to let go of. There's less snuggling. I miss the early morning snuggle times when she laid her head on my chest and settled in for a long moment of comfort, awake but calm and quiet. I miss how she used to sit still, examining and manipulating the objects that were close at hand. I used to plop Cordelia down in the middle of her room with blocks or balls or toys around her. I would sit next to her and just watch or play along. She was content for long periods of time to just sit and play. Now, we are on the move constantly like a hummingbirds flying from one sweetness to the next.

It is a busy business, this growing up. Its exhausting and exhilarating all at once. A bundle of joy and grace and frustration, more filling and fulfilling than I ever imagined.

sinking

Hello blogfan(s)!

I have to admit that I am sinking fast. I read so many beautiful, delicious, blogs. They are festooned with details, both in imagery and words. The cooking ones make me want to cook. The parenting ones make me want to be a fantastic parent, raise a million kids, homeschool and document it all in stunning photos. The crafty ones make me want to, well, you know, make things. You get the idea. And I am so full of ideas. And so short on energy and time. And so not blogging every day like I said I would. And so not blogging well, like I hoped I would. I'm not knocking your socks off and I'm boring myself to tears over here. Probably both of you reading this (hi mom+dad!) want to turn this thing off and never read it again. Boo hiss.

I learned something recently: My blog-a-day energy just doesn't carry over to the weekend. Or any time that Doug is home. I have to be alright with that because that is how it is. But I will still TRY.

This week, to get myself motivated again, I will turn to my muse. The little person who lives here is about to be one year old. Oh goodness! More on that later. Stay tuned. Baby book sharing in full swing this week.

sunday again

It is Sunday again and the wind is still blowing. We put the babe to sleep in our room tonight, so I'd say the fear has won the night, at least for tonight. We had a good day today - got a little work done, had a little adventure (tried our local pool - the baby swam for the first time!), relaxed, and started the day with pancakes. All in all, a good day.

But here I am blogging with zero passion again. The knitting on my needles is calling me. I have read the scriptures assigned for the day and I have to say they aren't something I really want to write about right now. I have preached some good sermons (At least I think they were good, you know, in the moment.) on these texts in the past. Maybe I'm just not letting them in. I can hear echos of my own analysis of the texts and even some of the stories and poems I used. But, now is a different time.

So, just a quick note from me tonight.

It was a wonder to see Cordelia get the idea of the water. All three of us became more comfortable in it during the time we were there. We passed her back and forth, twirled her around, did a fair amount of bobbing and floating, and all the while she watched the big kids with eager eyes. By the end, she seemed to be authentically enjoying the gigantic bathtub she found herself in. Splish splash, I think we are on our way to having a little fishy in the family.

fear

Last night, the wind started to blow. It was modest at first, but quickly gained speed and force. We've had a lot of water lately and the ground seems saturated. We live in a house surrounded by trees. These trees are beautiful and, for the most part, I feel a sentimental reverence toward them. On a clear and calm day, their green strength shelters us here. On a windy day, the same large presence feels ominous rather than protective.

Last night was a very windy night. We shuddered each time we heard a pick up in the wind or a groan. We tried to distract ourselves with a movie. I confess to praying a bargaining, fearful prayer to God while I nursed the baby to sleep. All night long, I worried over our decision to leave the baby in her room instead of bringing her to the safer side of the house where we sleep. I listened to the wind off and on throughout the night.

There was the greatest sense of relief when I woke up and realized that the wind had died down.

At some point in my life I heard the idea that when named, fear loses it's power. No matter how many times I named this one, the fear stayed strong. I must admit that I have been a worrier throughout my life. Not a terrible one, but one none the less. In the past, I always seemed to know when there was nothing to be done and found some calm in the midst of it all.

The accumulation of relationship (and people) in my life has actually had the effect of increasing my worry over silly things. I originally blamed this on postpartum hormonal adjustment. It was quite a ride. But now that I am through that phase, I wonder what it is that causes me to worry so. I suppose that when one has nothing to lose, one has nothing to worry about. Is it really true that the more love increases, the more there is to lose? I do not want this to be true for me. I want love to free me for more loving and risking and hoping. I'm still working on it, still loving and worrying.

savoring

snow day snuggles

cold noses and hands

slush underfoot

disappointment, quick melt and steady rain

awe-filled looks around the yard at ordinary things turned extraordinary